shedding light and beyond

The purple haze in the sky

Tinted with orange

Grey black blue

Fusing together

I just shed my skin

Can you feel me now?

All so nervous

Novice

and new?

twilight always does that to me

I am reborn at twilight....

the prodigal child.....

with hues of

purple

orange

black

and blue....

Question and an idea

Can i paint the door to your room?
I'll paint your nude!
Stand there and contemplate
Whether i want to see you dressed inside or naked outside....
Can i paint the lenght of your back?
I'll paint a tree bark!
Next time we make love
I can be the trembling creeper....
Can i paint the shirt you wore?
I'll paint me
Wait there and get jealous
Someone's clinging on to you....
Can i paint the floor of your studio?
I'll paint it purple
Black boot marks, yours,
And a galaxy of purple stars leading to my room....
Can i paint your intent face?
I'll paint a peach
Bite in the juiciest edge
Peaches with edges???
Seems a good idea....

just like that....

Every few seconds i try to think
Not of things or events
But names of babies
Born every few seconds
Their thoughts
Their poems
Which they must have carved
On the walls of the womb
Were they poems of love?
Emotion?
Imprisonment?
Or peace?
What strains of music accompany a life?
The second passes away...
Leaving stardust of unanswered questions...
Then the next few seconds are dimpled with another question
Am thinking about flowers
Their songs and dainty vanity
Their dialogues with the roots
Their colour and adventures with the most dandy butterfly!!!
Leaving behind a powdery hue...
The next second am thinking about Irish guys...
Their guitars and stubble
The romantic countryside
The accursed idyllic
Move on thoughts...
Move on....
Seconds punctuated with craziness.....
Ah living....

hurt....

It’s the hurt fermenting within me...
That hurts the most...
It lay dormant for years on end...
Soaked in tears, blood, sweat and semen...
Drowned in all, since ages...
Affecting it, eroding it...corroding it
Replacing its fangs, its venom
With something even more lethal...
Guilt....
They crucified me on the cross of social obligation
They crowned me with infidelity
The barbs hurt just as much...
No easy crown it is...
And I couldn’t say,
“Forgive them almighty for they know not what they do...”
And then it began coursing through my veins...
Guilt...
The most obvious unilateral extension of hurt...
They mastered the art of bottling up my emotions,
They closed their moral fists around my freedom
Held me captive in my own vulnerabilities....
Uneasy love....
And I couldn’t say,
“Glory be in the bondages that thou hast gifted me”
and then it began filling my heart ...
self pity...
the worst manifestation of love...
They carved out their slabs of achievement and glory
They made a deity out of me
Circumambulated around my being...
Frozen into stone of responsibility and respect...
A heavy price for a pedestal...
And I couldn’t say,
“God of your dreams resides within my mortal cage”
and then it began rotting...
my ideas of self worth and existence...
Hurt kept manifesting...
Getting ruined in tears and fears...
Till the brew grew potent and dangerous...
Heady and challenging
A potion the witch threw out from her cauldron
Too useless to be magical,
Too charged to be evil...
Somewhere the fluid hissed its way into the earth...
Seeping, slithering and penetrating...
Leaving behind a few open eyes....
Full of pain, hurt
And longing.....

maa....

Sleep is stripped from my eyes...
Red, swollen and hallowed...
A thousand monsoons cried over...
A silence that is filled with responsibilities..
Of distance, respect and still
Of rage, agony and ecstasy...
I want to break free
The blue window pane is shattered....
Why does growing up be a stone???
A feel so much like a tree...
Rooted to monotony and obligations
The umbilical cord never quite severed...
Blank...totally....
Blood well really thicker...
Sensibility really thin...
Worn out and fatigued...
I want to die in your womb...
Again...
It was safer there....
I guess so...
I want to sleep, sleep... deeply and peacefully...
As sleep has been stripped from my eyes...

Kanha...when you left

The days were such that you left not to return
I was left just with shards of poetry piercing my memories
Days, good old days of laughter, mirth and tears
Tears of joy, tears of love and tears of the blue bangles
I broke...
You promised me green...
The green of the trees...
Of the grass where we lay...
That heaven of senses...
Your hand playing harp on my being
Every touch musical, every string resounding with ecstasy...
Now the opium of your touch
Feeds my imaginations...
Kills me slowly and leaves me empty...
Now green bangles don’t mingle with the rains,
Don’t tinkle with anticipation
Simply cling to my wrists,
Calmly submit to his touch and not even make a sound
My bangles have lost their tinkle
My poem has lost its lyrics
My monsoon has lost its green
My pale eyes mourn
The death of our togetherness
Alas am left with no more bangles to break
To shatter the myth of your being
And convince myself of the loss....

I sense you..so far...sitting across and intently gazing into my eyes...Osho says the chase is exciting...so we all get a thrill out of it...then it gets all monotonous...i simply couldn't outlive that monotony...n now they'll slit my throat...under anesthesia of course...how i wished you would be there holding my hand while i regain my senses..mutter you name...so very filmy nah!!!but i actually want you to be there....
Wishing one moment you would do the honours...one moment silent and one moment not being able to live with the thought that someone's gonna hurt me...so what even if its for my good...
You always want to protect me...dont you??
why does you gaze have to be so intense always???
just like my prince charming...
Get me nishigandha in the hospital....
I want you to see the delight in my eyes when i see those colourless flowers...tuberoses!!!i bet you would never know!!!
That i love flowers generally...and you bringing them to me especially.....
Will you donate blood? There are more like me...
I need you
I need your blood
I need your being...
and maybe that boredom of yours that drove us apart!!!
To be a predator and act prey!!!
Pray why????
Amen.//

P for Pain

Pain?Any takers?
Addiction?
Any takers?
Well addiction of pain?
Imagine pain, lots of pain...yet you want more...
A craving you cant overcome...
Slowly it drills into your being...
Bit by bit... blowing off those tiny shards of being...
Replacing it by some alien fluid you thought was yours..
There it fuses so brilliantly with black..the newly sprung droplet of blood..
Suddenly it’s a tiny string of droplets..of blood...
Wish could string them n wear them..they’d go best with my latest designer dress...
Now you have more..more of those perfectly formed droplets...
So marveled they are by their being that they forget their discipline...
Their duty..to spring forth and ooze out...
Now there is more drilling...
The mechanical sound fills my ears...
A long forgotten memory from the distant future...
A skilled cosmic dentist clearing plaque from the jaws of Uncertainity...
Making them sharper and more poised for the job...
Now they snap!!!now they nip!
How they grab and rip!
More droplets...now streams...
Pain...more pain
The most testing moment...
Radical and bare
Too true to be analyzed...
Just worth the experience
There filled all the cavities
With colour, with thorns
Jesus must have been a adept lover..
Of her....
Pain....how she torments...
How she lusts and seduces...
Ah Pain...
Now the drill is replaced...
Its needles now...
Warm and moist with blood..
Fresh and flowing....
Like the Nile....
Or the Volga...
Full of blood of patriots and poets...
Of tears and wasted sweat...
But nothing like the Ganga...
Pain is not as pure as her...
She is more sinful
Just like a delicious chocolate cake...
Sinfully alluring and inviting...
Pain..
More of her....
There now it gains
A final delightful shape...
A rose
Without thorns
Pain...
How endearing...
How enduring...
Pain...
A high greater than nicotine and grass
A phase that I just don’t want to pass....

glue

The more i plunge in myself
The more stuck I get,
to my own being...
It's like falling in a huge glue tub
It sticks to you, in tiny strings
small filaments and
tacky little fibres....
The more i try coming out
It extends and stretches
All across my being
Why so many bonds?
So much adhesion
So much connection
To a self that dies
Every moment
To a new self born,
Every moment
Stuck unstuck
Every relation
Stuck unstuck
My two fingers...
Stuck unstuck
My two beings
Stuck unstuck...

Russian love....

Flakes all over
Flakes over the bridge
Covering every road
Covering every ridge
The frost on my lips
Melts with your breath
Your icy fingers singe my skin
Passion seems to ripple
Beneath the frozen river
Draw me close
Draw me near
Oh dear snowman...
Now your kiss is burning
Now your lips sear....

For a dear friend...whom I dare not even dream to lose....


What should I say?
I feel the vacuum,
Can touch it if I stretch my hand...
Don’t yell, don’t cry,
Your name has dried on my lips
Before it reached you...
The bells chime,
It’s about time,
That without memories,
I left you...
Lonely planet
And its single song...
So long my dear...
So long...