Kavyakankshini...bewitching words spun with spindles of thought and quicksilver yarn...: 2013


Each leaf falls out slowly...

Sitting by the stream
Silent ripples caressing  our reflections
Tall and stoic
The trees stand
Aglow with the autumn sun
They hold a mirror to my soul
My greenish inner child
to my yellow mellow woman
My passionate red
to my faint pink glow
My glistening golden
to color my dreams
My courageous orange
to my carefree ochre
My deepest purple
to my faint green murmur
Wise are the trees
the passing colors they hold
'Cause they are to drop all emotions, colors and coats
to nakedly embrace cold
Soak in its tormenting glory
and revel in the knowing
The precious lives those which
shall soon unfold....


Take on Thirty

Am I at crossroads or at a threshold? Am I at the crossroads of settled adult life and youthful ignorance? Or am I at the threshold crossing over from naïve optimism to real life disillusion or is it wisdom?
Turning 30 is impactful, glorious and of course very significant for me, not because it’s a fine even number, but an age which I never thought I shall live to see…I had never planned for life beyond 29 but I survived childbirth!  I never foresaw myself ever turning 30, never imagined I could ever anchor myself or commit to a settled life, my innate restlessness reined my thoughts about life beyond the 20’s as they say…the exuberance of youth, the mirth of rootless living and non-commitment fuelled my desire to live out life as fully as possible before turning 30. All vices and virtues that meet people through their lifetime, I had visited them all before I ended my 20’s I even ended up experiencing the throes of spirituality. Tried solving the rubic of self-identity and self-existence to no particular end, but rested on the edge of knowledge that I tried. Tried shunning the “i” never quite clearly managed. The high of self love did not wane even in the face of becoming a mother, never quite absolved completely of self love, I have had my own struggles with the existence of another person in my life, who “according to societal expectation” deserved selfless love…I have had an uneasy feeling about loving someone completely, in spite of myself, still do..my identity is shaping up, has its own destined shape and future, is a belief I would still like to carry on till my next decade at least..So abandoning the love of shaping the self or not glorifying it would be akin infidelity for me.
At this age, I am surprised by my rapid drainage of sensitivity, at my apathy and my shocking inaction towards the on goings around me. My rapid disbelief in my own dreams and ambitions sometimes shocks me, sometimes am almost deaf to some of my dying enthusiasm…
If this is coming of age, if this is growing old, if material collections matter the most, and if all other thinking than that about your investments is mere intellectual masturbation, I really don’t know if am aging gracefully enough… The wise are full of doubts, are my doubts strong enough to make me qualify for wisdom?
At 25 I thought I set out to conquer all things worth conquering, is now the fire dying out, was it a mere vanity associated with youth that spoke through me or was it really something more powerful?
Not melding into conventional mindset by a certain age certainly means peer isolation, with settled job holders, or content housewives clubs burgeoning around me, I feel a pariah in both these places…turning 30 is more crushing than enlightening, turning 30 is not really out of the world, with the average life expectancy climbing steadily world over, what is alarming is, is someone counting, the average life expectancy of dreams of youth? Or am I the only one with a fishing line baited with the moon?
I shudder at my questions, I shudder at my naïveté and for once I do not have a plan for myself for the next decade…do not know if it’s good bad or just merely nothing.. 
But yes I have a lot to look behind and cheer myself for, I have really lived one hell of decade, the last one, skirted in gay abandon, visited places which I dreamed of and more, paid a price for the vagabond in me and never live to regret it. Loved people, places, desires, vices and virtues, experimented with self on a level bordering dangerous but lived to tell the tale.
Wrapped myself up in silence and talked long enough to bore people to death. Written so much that I can fill up a cupboard with my writings, read as much to fill a room with books, to its brim, dressed in so many myriad ways, people might think I am an undercover spy! Fallen so many times and rebuilt myself completely but retained my core…
My next decade aspirations have some serious competition from those of my daughter but am sure I have a lot to learn and look forward to…it’s good to be in self doubt at times, is what I have understood from the times I have lived..And it’s also good for the soul to remain restless is what I have chosen to believe. So as I turn 30 without really dying… I am sure I shall live it up as I always have! And when I waver I am sure there will be flowers, coffee, sinfully dark chocolate, smell of monsoons, books and newness to egg me on!
And of course there shall always course poetry through my being, and Rilke, Shel and Grace shall always regale and inspire and my daughter will get their words instead of lullabies forever!
So I guess it won’t really matter much that I finally am about to enter a realm beyond my imagination, as long as I am dressed in leather boots, biker jacket and oodles of confidence!
Am still hitching my wagon to the stars or supernovas or the moon! We’ll see!
Or maybe just writing another blog post with another perspective another 5 years from now!