turning 25...

Well finally quarter of the century gone...and pray how do i feel???

Old? jaded?bored?or  rather tired?of living....

The circumstances in which i turned 25 were absolute perfect...i was at home!with parents and close friends and well still reliving the charm of birthdays at home!!!strange but true i was totally happy about the cakes and candles birthday, the aukskhan by mom and my my a house full of nishigandha!!!

The contemplation kept happening for quite a while...what is it all about?

living loving or something more?

What have i got in 25 years seems a selfish thought and what i gave in 25 years seems vain....

I began my research with the oldest method...comparison, with other 25 year olds... obvious subjects were by friends and colleagues, what is it that they have come to achieve at 25, what is it that i have come to achieve at 25 and finally am i happy with what i have achieved and are they all happy about themselves at this stage? What is the probable next stage of life? When next would be the ideal time to reflect about life and its purpose? Round and round i went till i came to a point that we all had in abundance, everything we pined for once upon a time...

At some point the comparison stopped, began looking at my own self...over the years...only to realize that i was indeed happy, rather should be...i have all that i wished for, once upon a time and more....i remember some of my diary pages stating my ideal salary at 25, ideal situations, ideal weight as well...today i have all of it, albeit a bit more...but then what am i doing? ruing about it all.....well that is the irony of life, we wish for certain things and when we have achieved them, we feel left out and out smarted by other circumstances....

I questioned myself...who am i? what is the purpose of my being? why am i still existing? and i am yet to find rational and acceptable answers to all these questions...One more question posed before me....did i forget something? the answer was yes!yes indeed! i had forgotten to be grateful! grateful for so many things that i had been taken for granted for my entire life! my fit body! my mind, my brain, my looks, my qualifications, my laptop, internet all all....the assumptions seem Marie Antoinette like if i really open my eyes to see the world of so many other 25 year olds....

On deeper delving i realized i had indeed changed in the past 5 years and so rapidly! the transition was scary at a point when i realized that certain changes were permanent and shall never be the same again....be it the time spent doing nothing at all, playing with clay or even simply trusting people about all they said and did...

Trust is eroding so fast i can hardly believe myself at times....

i feel distressed if i cant play with words for a while....

i feel bored without my dose of shopping...

i feel handicapped and marooned without cell phones and internet...

gosh...where am i heading?

fine...

then came a point..do i still enjoy poetry?nature?silence?

solitude?grace?tears?the written word?the unsaid emotion?

i calmed down a bit....

is the spark in my eyes still alive? do my eyes light up at the mere mention of interesting things?

well....do i still love flowers? do i find travel interesting? do i blush these days?

am i finding all these parameters trivial?

do hand written letters, greeting cards, notes light up my day?

do i still believe in dreams and their power to alter life?

yes.....i do...

dreams make life so very "live"able for me....

am yet to dig out the buried emotions, yet to replant the bushels of memories, spruce up the long forgotten bushes of friendship camaraderie and love...water it all with honest tears and well....shade it with innocence and faith in all good things of life...

if i don’t do it religiously, i realize i have very little left to pass on to the next generation, a legacy of hope, of love, of innocence, of faith and most importantly the power of dreams.....

what do honest words do to an expressing medium?

dilute the pleasure of spiced up gossip....

obscure yet mine...thoughts from the mind's mill...